


Wild's Lesson

by Acuberon_1285



Series: Short stories [1]
Category: Linked Universe - Fandom, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: The banana is superdangerous!, someone gets shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:34:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29360355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acuberon_1285/pseuds/Acuberon_1285
Summary: Wild teaches the others how to defend themselves against someone with a piece of fresh fruit
Relationships: Wild&Legend&Hyrule&Wind&Four
Series: Short stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2156733
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	Wild's Lesson

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my native language  
> Fanfic is based on Monty Python's video: Self Defense Against Fresh Fruit

Wild walked into a room with his chin high and a steady posture. He stopped before Wind, Hyrule, Four and Legend. ‘’Good evening, class.’’

‘’Good evening.’’

Wild looked around in confusion. ‘’Where’s all the others, then?’’ he asked the four.

‘’They’re not here,’’ Four said.

Wild rolled his eyes. ‘’I can see that! What’s the matter with’em.’’

Wind shrugged. ‘’Don’t know.’’

Hyrule crossed his arms. ‘’Perhaps they’ve got flu.’’

‘’Flu!’’ Wild’s eyes widened. ‘’They should eat more fresh fruit.’’

The four others looked at each other with looks that could mean one thing: This evening was going to be great…

Wild took no notice. ‘’Right! Now, self-defense.’’ Wild looked at each one of them. ‘’Tonight I shall be carryin’ on from where we got to last week when I was showin’ you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit.’’

A painful sigh came from all four.

Wind crossed his arms. ‘’You said we wouldn’t do fruit this week.’’

‘’What do you mean?’’ Wild snarled and came closer to the group.

Four took a step forward. ‘’We’ve done fresh fruit for the last nine weeks.’’

‘’What’s wrong with fruit?’’ Wild looked down at the smaller guy. ‘’You think you know it all, eh?’’

Wind shifted nervously on his feet, a bit intimidated by Wild’s posture. ‘’Can’t we try something else?’’ he quietly offered.

‘’Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick,’’ Legend called from the right. He stiffened as Wild slowly approached him with an angry glance in his eyes.

‘’Pointed stick?’’ Wild spat. ‘’We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we. Gettin’ all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh?’’ He turned away for a second, but immediately snapped his head back to Legend and stared him right in the eye. ‘’Well, let me tell you somethin’, my lad! When you’re walkin’ home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don’t come cryin’ to me!’’ He walked away, leaving a shocked Legend.

Wild faced the four again. ‘’Right! And now the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit, like thus-‘’

‘’We done the passion fruit.’’

‘’What?’’

‘’We’ve done the passion fruit,’’ Hyrule repeated.

‘’We’ve done oranges, apples, grapefruit’s,’’ Wind added. ‘’Whole and segments.’’

‘’Greengages, pomegranates,’’ Legend muttered.

‘’Grapes, passion fruit,’’ Four said. ‘’Lemons. Plums.’’

‘’And mangoes in syrup,’’ Hyrule ended the list.

Wild squinted his eyes. ‘’How about cherries?’’

The four sighed. ‘’We done them!’’

‘’Red and black?’’

‘’Yes!’’

Wild was silent for a second. ‘’All right, then,’’ he mumbled. ‘’Bananas. We haven’t done bananas, have we?’’

‘’No…’’

Wild’s eyes lid up. ‘’Right! How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana.’’ He grabbed a banana and threw it at Hyrule. ‘’Catch. Now, it’s quite simple to deal with a banana fiend,’’ he said and walked back and forth two times. ‘’First of all, you force him to drop the banana. Then you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless.’’

‘’Suppose he’s got a bunch,’’ Wind said.

‘’SHUT UP!’’

‘’Suppose he’s got a pointed stick,’’ Legend added.

‘’SHUT UP!’’ Wild spat and turned to Hyrule. ‘’Right! Now you, Sky.’’

‘’Hyrule,’’ Hyrule corrected.

Wild cleared his throat. ‘’Sorry. Hyrule. Come at me with that banana. Be as vicious as you like with it. Come on. Attack me!’’

Hyrule hesitantly looked at the banana in his right hand and took a few steps forward.

‘’No, no, no!’’ Wild said and pushed him back. ‘’Put something into it, for God’s sake. Hold the banana like that!’’ He put his arm in the air, Hyrule copying him. ‘’That’s better. Now scream!’’

‘’AARGH!’’

Wild smiled. ‘’Good. Right. Now attack me!’’

Hyrule charged forward, screaming as if someone was burning his butt off.

A shot was heard and he fell with a thud on the ground. The remaining three stared down in horror.

Wild put his gun away and took the banana from Hyrule’s limp hand.

‘’Next, I eat the banana.’’ Wild peeled the skin off and took a big bite from the soft fruit inside. After a few bites he dropped the banana peel on the ground and walked away.

‘’I’ll see you all next week!’’


End file.
